Dear Counselor,

I teach a men’s Sunday School class and recently I approached one of our class members who appeared angry and sad as the result of recent financial and marital issues.  Several times he said that he no longer felt like living and I was not sure how to determine if he was seriously considering taking his life, or if he was just making some exaggerated statements.

Dear Teacher:

You are correct in having some concern over this man’s statements. Out of the 815,000 suicides world wide each year, men commit suicide four times as often as women, with middle-aged Caucasian males having the highest incidence of all. It is thought that men have higher suicide rates because men generally have more risky health behaviors, they tend to use more lethal methods when attempting suicide, and they are less likely than women to seek professional help. They will, however, often talk with a friend or family member and it is important for that person to take seriously any suicidal language.

How serious the risk of suicide is can be assessed by asking how often the thought comes up and if the person ever thinks about how they would commit suicide. The more specific the plan is, the more serious the threat is. Does the person have a prior history of depression? Sometimes when they are starting to feel better they have more energy for the suicide attempt. Have they made suicide attempts in the past? The American Association of Suicidology (www.suicidology.org) suggests the following mnemonic device to remember the warning signs of suicide – IS PATH WARM:  Expressed Ideation; increased Substance abuse; no sense of Purpose in life; Anxiety, agitation or difficulty sleeping; feeling Trapped and Hopeless; Withdrawing from friends; rage, Anger, or seeking revenge; acting Reckless or engaging in risky activities; and dramatic Mood changes.

If you assess that this man might be at risk, make a contract with him to call you if he is feeling suicidal and encourage him to seek out a professional counselor. If you feel that the risk is imminent, take him to the emergency room, or call 911. You may be the only person to whom he has reached out for help.

Tom Rodgerson

To find out more about CentrePointe Counseling, Inc. or to schedule an appointment, please call (410) 882-1988 or toll free (800) 491-5369; or visit www.centrepointecounseling.org.

Dear Counselor,

We have a daughter in the fourth grade who has always been a good student.  However, recently she has had repeated absences due to “illnesses” that seem to disappear by mid-morning when she stays home from school. We have taken her to the doctor on several occasions, but there seems to be nothing wrong. This is wreaking havoc in our schedules and we are beginning to dread when school is in session.          Perplexed Parent

Dear Perplexed Parent,

Your daughter may be suffering from School Anxiety, a problem that is not a psychiatric disorder, but affects about five percent of school-aged children. Children may refuse to attend school, have temper tantrums in the morning, resist getting ready, or have complaints of headaches, dizziness, and nausea. Since you have ruled out any medical complications and since the symptoms seem to disappear during the day and (I assume) do not appear on weekends, the signs point more to anxiety. Recent changes in the home or stress factors at school such as a bully, a strained teacher relationship, or new levels of academic learning can be contributing factors.

In working through the school anxiety with your daughter, you will want to monitor your own anxiety so that you can express care and concern to her, but not reward the behavior with special privileges or miss the opportunity to patiently help the child connect the fact that when she becomes less nervous, the symptoms go away. If symptoms persist, you may want to discuss the issue with your daughter’s teachers, speak with the school counselor, or find a Christian counselor who specializes in work with children and families.
I would also refer you to an article by Kim Cook on this subject in the October 2008 issue of Parentlife, pages 14-15 (www.lifeway.com/parentlife). I have taken the above comments from her article, which includes many other suggestions as well. Kim is the new Executive Director of Centrepointe Counseling, Inc. and has an expertise in working with children and their families.  She can be reached at (800) 491-5369, ext. 102.

Tom Rodgerson

Dear Counselor:

Two years ago I accepted a volunteer position in my church to lead the youth program. I took the position because our church had a real need to attract younger families with children and because my own children were getting to the age when they needed a good program.

It has been a rough two years in which I have poured by soul into the program with only marginal results and with consistent complaining on the part of parents and church leaders that I am not doing enough. I am feeling burned out with nothing left to give, but I don’t want the program to fail. What should I do?

Dear “Burned Out:”

Burnout in ministry positions (paid or unpaid) is not uncommon and is generally experienced as emotional exhaustion and a feeling of having nothing left to give. Often this is the result of “over-care” when we have given too much. Giving too much can come from “external” forces, such as a church system anxious about its survival that places unrealistic expectations on a program or a person to fix its problems. Giving too much can also come from “internal” forces, such as our own need to be needed, or need to please, or the need to fix something in our own family system. Sometimes there is a “perfect match” between the external forces and internal forces that can bring on symptoms of burnout rather quickly.

We can evaluate if the burnout is the result of our own internal forces by asking questions about our ability to delegate, or to periodically get away from the ministry (like Jesus going up into the hills). If we have to “do it all,” or if we can never physically or mentally leave the ministry behind, or if our mood is dictated by how well a program went, the resulting burnout is perhaps being generated by our own internal needs.

In his book, Let Your Lives Speak, Parker Palmer suggests that we not only look at our internal needs, but also look at whether or not we are truly called to this ministry. He says, “Though usually regarded as the result of trying to give too much, burnout in my experience results from trying to give what I do not possess . . . . Burnout is a state of emptiness . . ., but it does not result from giving all I have: it merely reveals the nothingness from which I was trying to give in the first place. . . . When the gift I give to the other is integral to my own nature (my true calling) . . . it will renew itself – and me – even as I give it away” (p. 49).

Conversations with a mentor, a spiritual director, or a counselor might help you to determine if the burnout you are experiencing is coming from your own internal needs, or if it has something to do with your call to this particular ministry. If you have a handle on your own needs and if you are clearly called to this ministry, then you would want to clearly and kindly invite the complaining parents and church leadership into a discussion about appropriate expectations for this ministry, working to shift the anxiety of the church away from the youth program and back to those responsible for identifying and keeping focus on the church’s vision.

Send your questions by e-mail to trodgerson@bcmd.org.

CentrePointe has offices in the following locations: Cambridge, Catonsville, Columbia, Crofton, Dunkirk, Frederick, Glen Burnie, Hughesville, Lanham, Laurel, Lutherville, Mechanicsville, Middle River, Odenton, Parkville, Rockville, Severn, Silver Spring, Waldorf and Westminster.