Dear Counselor,
My husband and I have been in ministry for five years. While we have had many blessed days in ministry, more recently as we have tried to make some changes, the church just seems toxic and I worry about its impact on our family. How can we learn to survive in such an environment?
—“Learning to Survive”

Dear “Learning to Survive,”
First, let me affirm you for continuing in ministry and for already surviving in a pastorate for a period of time longer than the national average. You are correct that churches can often be healing, but are sometimes toxic. This was an issue I recently addressed in a two-part workshop for ministers’ spouses entitled, “Building an Immune System to the M1N1STR1 Virus.” Let me speak to part one this month regarding the use of prayer.

In ministry, as in life, we are always in the presence of a virus that has the potential to make life toxic. In ministry, as in life, having a healthy immune system is the best way to deal with any viruses. A virus in ministry is any source of stress, conflict, negativity or irritation. Viruses are always present. Viruses only reproduce and take over when there is a “host” cell. With an immune system, viruses are hardly noticed. Prayer is a way of building an immune system.

There are a variety of ways to pray about viruses, whether those “viruses” are conflict situations or have names and faces that we put to them. Imprecatory psalms (e.g., Ps 139:19-22.), prayers for the enemy (e.g., Mt. 5:44), praying in secret in one’s closet (e.g., Mt 6:6) and praying without ceasing (e.g., I Thess. 5:17) are all valid ways of praying about any “virus” in ministry.

However, modern research suggests that certain ways of praying not only build a physical immune system, but also build a way of thinking (the neurons of the brain actually get changed) that alters how we interact with reality and prevents us from becoming a “host cell” to any virus. These deeper forms of prayer help us to develop a life of stillness and move from having a “quiet time” to having a “quiet life.” I will say more about them next time.
—Tom Rodgerson

Send your questions by e-mail to trodgerson@bcmd.org.

CentrePointe has offices in the following locations: Bel Air, Canton, Catonsville, Charles Village, Clarksburg (Germantown), Columbia, Crofton, Dunkirk, Eldersburg, Federal Hill, Frederick, Glen Burnie, Hughesville, Lanham, Laurel, Lutherville, Mechanicsville, Middle River, Odenton, Parkville, Port Deposit, Rockville, Severn, Silver Spring, Waldorf, Westminster. (410) 882-1988 or (800) 491-5369

Dear Counselor:
My husband and I read your article where the pastor’s wife asked about members talking bad about the pastor and how it hurts. Well, what does one do when a pastor and spouse spread untruths about the church members? The pastor was accused of misconduct, which was not true, and was asked to stay as pastor. But, then, the pastor said that he was forced to leave and began to spread untruths about the church, giving our church a bad name and causing some church members to leave with the pastor without ever following the Bible’s solution for conflict.
–An Upset Christian

Dear “Upset,”
You are correct that it would have been helpful in this case to follow the example of Matthew 18 and other Biblical approaches to the resolution of differences prior to the departure of your Pastor and some church members. Conflict of any kind is harmful for the church body and for individual church members as we see in Paul’s letters to the Corinthians. In almost every case, the Bible recommends an initial approach of directness coupled with kindness in the discussion of alleged “untruths” or “misconduct” in the body of believers.

However, it appears that your pastor and church members sympathetic to him have departed. Because of that, the question shifts from what to do about the pastor to what will the church now do. If the church remains focused on the previous pain, then the ex-pastor is still in control of the emotional and spiritual system of the church.

A more healthy option would be to get some assistance in the healing of the pain caused by these recent events in order to free up the energy necessary to create a vision for the future.

Part of that visioning process may involve the study of and the creation of new patterns of communication within the church that would be of a preventive nature. A Transitional Pastor may be of help in this process, which would occur before you begin the process of looking for a new pastor. Mediation services may also help in working through some of the previous pain. The Baptist Convention of Maryland/Delaware can help in directing you to these services at (800) 466-5290.
–Tom Rodgerson

Send your questions by e-mail to trodgerson@bcmd.org.

CentrePointe has offices in Bel Air, Canton, Catonsville, Charles Village, Clarksburg (Germantown), Columbia, Crofton, Dunkirk, Eldersburg, Federal Hill, Frederick, Glen Burnie, Hughesville, Lanham, Laurel, Lutherville, Mechanicsville, Middle River, Odenton, Parkville, Port Deposit, Rockville, Severn, Silver Spring, Waldorf, Westminster. (410) 882-1988 or (800) 491-5369

You raise an important question that brings up the subject of what some are now calling the “Digital Divide.” In the digital divide, there are “digital natives” who are comfortable in doing all of their communication by e-mail, text-messages, social networks and the like. They have grown up with computers and cell phones and their primary form of communication is digital. “Digital immigrants” are on the other side of the digital divide. They grew up with telephones and written forms of communication and are trying to learn this new digital language, but it is like their second language, not their first. It sounds like you would be a digital immigrant who is learning digital communication as a second language. I am also in that category.

Younger pastors and newer church plants communicate almost entirely by digital means today. There are many advantages to the digital form of communication such as the following: it is cost effective; it is “green;” it is fast; it allows for “on-line” discussions and updates; it is a way of reaching new people in social networks.

There are also some potential liabilities of digital communication such as the following: it is a new and powerful way to send gossip; there is a great chance for miscommunication on “hot topics;” people often fail to pause before they hit the “send” button and either send something they wish they had not sent, or send something to the wrong person; there is the impersonal forwarding of meaningless material to everyone in one’s mailbox; there is a greater difficulty of communicating closely and intimately (spoken as a digital immigrant you must remember!).

It is important for churches to take time to discuss what they would consider proper etiquette with church digital communication (what some would call “netiquette”). Digital natives and digital immigrants need to discuss and agree upon church policy. And, since 92 percent of human communication is non-verbal through voice tone, body-language, eye-contact, etc., I would recommend that whether one is a digital native or immigrant to save a special place for personal contact and face-to-face communication.
–Tom Rodgerson

Send your questions by e-mail to trodgerson@bcmd.org.

CentrePointe has offices in the following locations: Bel Air, Canton, Catonsville, Charles Village, Clarksburg (Germantown), Columbia, Crofton, Dunkirk, Eldersburg, Federal Hill, Frederick, Glen Burnie, Hughesville, Lanham, Laurel, Lutherville, Mechanicsville, Middle River, Odenton, Parkville, Port Deposit, Rockville, Severn, Silver Spring, Waldorf, Westminster.(410) 882-1988 or (800) 491-5369

Dear Feeling Lost:
You are correct to anticipate these special events that are coming up soon. Even though you have had some time to grieve the loss of your husband, the first gathering of a family after the loss of a loved one, special days such as birthdays, anniversaries, reunions, and graduations, and especially holiday seasons bring a renewed sense of loss and feelings that can be overwhelming. The important thing is to remember that you have some control over what happens during these times if you choose to take it. The following four “C’s” of coping with the holidays and special days come from suggestions made by Gilchrist Hospice Care:

Communicate your needs. If you can, it would be best to sit down with your family and discuss the holidays ahead of time. What are your needs? What can you not bear to do? What can you not bear not to do? There are some traditions that you may want to keep going out of respect for your husband, but there may be some things that are not emotionally or physically possible now. There also may be some new traditions that you want to create.

Change your routine. Minor or even major changes can sometimes be helpful. Maybe the holiday celebrations need to be in a new location, for example. This could be the start of a new tradition, or it can be viewed as taking a break for a year with the option of renewing long-standing traditions when you have more energy for it.

Cut back on your activities. Grief is physically and mentally fatiguing, and can also cause some disorientation or lack of motivation. Streamlining your activity is important. Be selective with the cards you send and minimize shopping trips by giving gift cards or checks. Set limits on the time you commit to social gatherings and leave early if it does not feel good.

Celebrate the memory of your loved one. Since the word “celebrate” can also mean “to honor,” many people will set aside a special time, or create a special way, of honoring the memory of the one who is no longer there. A special donation, a special picture, or a time set aside to share memories can be valuable ways of giving honor. And remember that it is all right to celebrate and feel good at times. Laughter and enjoyment are important parts of living and can be another way of giving honor to your husband.

Send your questions by e-mail to trodgerson@bcmd.org.

CentrePointe has offices in the following locations: Bel Air, Canton, Catonsville, Charles Village, Clarksburg (Germantown), Columbia, Crofton, Dunkirk, Eldersburg, Federal Hill, Frederick, Glen Burnie, Hughesville, Lanham, Laurel, Lutherville, Mechanicsville, Middle River, Odenton, Parkville, Port Deposit, Rockville, Severn, Silver Spring, Waldorf, Westminster.

I just found out that about 40 years ago I said something that offended a fellow church member that I was unaware of.  I went with our pastor to his home and apologized.  His words were, “I’ll forgive, but I will never forget.”  I feel embarrassed, hurt, and humiliated every time I see him.  How can I deal with myself as a Christian knowing that someone is carrying a grudge against me now, and for all these years?

—A Struggling Christian

Dear Struggling Christian:

Let me affirm you for your desire to grow through this situation, and for doing the right thing by going to apologize in the presence of others. This carries out the spirit of Matt. 18 in attempting to resolve conflict between persons in the body of Christ. In fact, this is the action that your fellow church member would have been wise to follow 40 years ago. Coming to you directly rather than holding a grudge for 40 years would have saved him a lot of internal energy.

If, as you suggest, he is still holding a grudge, then he has offered the technical words of forgiveness, but has not done the work of forgiveness. The work of forgiveness, which actually is his work and not yours, would be to figure out why he has chosen to hold onto the negative memory for so long and how he could take the negative charge off of the event, hence, letting it go.

In your meeting with this fellow Christian, there has been a silent transfer of some of that negative energy to you, manifesting as embarrassment, hurt, and humiliation. To some extent, this event of 40 years ago now has power over you.  Similar to your fellow Christian, it would be wise to ask why you would chose to hold onto this when you have actually done all that you can do to resolve it. Is there forgiveness work on your part that now needs to be done? In your daily conversations with God, would you be able to trust God enough to let God work on the heart of the other person and no longer take responsibility for how your fellow Christian has responded to your apology?

A simple way to practice this would be the following: when you see him, catch your own feelings of embarrassment, hurt, and humiliation; pause for a moment and give those feelings to God; then, ask God to heal the heart of the one who is still holding a grudge.

Tom Rodgerson

Send your questions by e-mail to trodgerson@bcmd.org.

CentrePointe has offices in the following locations: Cambridge, Catonsville, Columbia, Crofton, Dunkirk, Frederick, Glen Burnie, Hughesville, Lanham, Laurel, Lutherville, Mechanicsville, Middle River, Odenton, Parkville, Rockville, Severn, Silver Spring, Waldorf and Westminster.

How do you deal with church members who say evil and unkind words about your pastor/husband?

–A Pastor’s Wife

Dear Pastor’s Wife:

Of course our human response to someone who is being unkind to our loved one is to defend or run away. We might give an emotional response back to the person and, then, avoid them as much as possible. While this response is natural, it misses the opportunity for growth and for the discovery of truth.

A different response usually comes with acceptance and preparation; acceptance that the role of a pastor (and pastor’s spouse) will always bring to the surface the unfinished business or “pathology” of other persons (as well as our own), and preparation that is grounded in daily prayer. I would recommend that the following phrase occur in the prayer life of every minister (lay or ordained) daily: “Lord, help me to remain a curious and non-reactive listener today in the midst of all the problems that come my way.”

Remaining curious and non-reactive allows us to use all the parts of our brain and not just give an emotional reaction that comes out of the primitive part of our brain. Therefore, we are not caught in a “triangle” where a person is saying something to us that they really need to say to someone else. To the person who says something unkind about your husband, you can simply say, “I’m sure that my husband would love to hear what you have to say. Why don’t you go tell him yourself?”  Such a statement not only follows the biblical mandate of Matthew 18, but, also, if said in a matter of fact way communicates a sense of power and authority that is grounded in a trust in God and a trust in your husband’s ability to handle the situation. Since most of these unkind comments are about power issues, the very way in which we respond can communicate a form of power that is essential to leaders.

If the comments persist, a further response might be to say in a non-reactive and curious manner, “I can see that something continues to bother you, is there anything more that is going on that perhaps we could talk about?” This invites the person to say more. It also alerts them to the fact that you are aware that this is as much about them as it is about the pastor. If you can remain as a listener for a little while, the person may open up about other issues, at which point you may want to refer them to someone else for deeper listening if needed. You do not need to fix it or to be a counselor for everyone. If the person responses negatively to such an inquiry, you know that you have hit upon an area of growth for them. They will eventually come around, or they will leave. If in fact we are the ones responding negatively, then, we have hit upon an area of our own needed growth which we can take to prayer or to a spiritual friend.

Send your questions by e-mail to trodgerson@bcmd.org.

CentrePointe has offices in the following locations: Cambridge, Catonsville, Columbia, Crofton, Dunkirk, Frederick, Glen Burnie, Hughesville, Lanham, Laurel, Lutherville, Mechanicsville, Middle River, Odenton, Parkville, Rockville, Severn, Silver Spring, Waldorf and Westminster.

Dear Counselor,

I teach a men’s Sunday School class and recently I approached one of our class members who appeared angry and sad as the result of recent financial and marital issues.  Several times he said that he no longer felt like living and I was not sure how to determine if he was seriously considering taking his life, or if he was just making some exaggerated statements.

Dear Teacher:

You are correct in having some concern over this man’s statements. Out of the 815,000 suicides world wide each year, men commit suicide four times as often as women, with middle-aged Caucasian males having the highest incidence of all. It is thought that men have higher suicide rates because men generally have more risky health behaviors, they tend to use more lethal methods when attempting suicide, and they are less likely than women to seek professional help. They will, however, often talk with a friend or family member and it is important for that person to take seriously any suicidal language.

How serious the risk of suicide is can be assessed by asking how often the thought comes up and if the person ever thinks about how they would commit suicide. The more specific the plan is, the more serious the threat is. Does the person have a prior history of depression? Sometimes when they are starting to feel better they have more energy for the suicide attempt. Have they made suicide attempts in the past? The American Association of Suicidology (www.suicidology.org) suggests the following mnemonic device to remember the warning signs of suicide – IS PATH WARM:  Expressed Ideation; increased Substance abuse; no sense of Purpose in life; Anxiety, agitation or difficulty sleeping; feeling Trapped and Hopeless; Withdrawing from friends; rage, Anger, or seeking revenge; acting Reckless or engaging in risky activities; and dramatic Mood changes.

If you assess that this man might be at risk, make a contract with him to call you if he is feeling suicidal and encourage him to seek out a professional counselor. If you feel that the risk is imminent, take him to the emergency room, or call 911. You may be the only person to whom he has reached out for help.

Tom Rodgerson

To find out more about CentrePointe Counseling, Inc. or to schedule an appointment, please call (410) 882-1988 or toll free (800) 491-5369; or visit www.centrepointecounseling.org.

ROCKVILLE, Md.—Kim Cook, a licensed clinical social worker for the state of Maryland, has been named executive director of CentrePointe Counseling, Inc.

Since 2003, Cook has served as therapist and clinical director at CentrePointe Counseling, Inc., where she helped provide mental health counseling to individuals and families; supervised, assisted in hiring and orientating clinical staff; maintained insurance credentialing for agency therapists; oversaw the billing process; and worked to insure agency accreditation and compliance.

“I am humbled at the calling to lead this talented staff as we continue to help hurting people with competent and compassionate services,” Cook shared, explaining that CentrePointe is on the cusp of doing exciting new things.

“The board is focused on taking the agency to the next level of professionalism, development, and service delivery. The staff has already begun implementing the strategic plan. I will focus on helping the counselors and board to reach these goals, as we use our gifts and talents together.”

The ongoing vision of Centrepointe is to have a counselor within 45 minutes of each individual in Maryland. CentrePointe is continuing to grow geographically—currently, the agency has 23 locations with 14 counselors, but is looking to add more staff and more sites.  Cook said that CentrePointe will also continue to develop their breadth of services.  The established plan calls for adding more educational opportunities for churches and their communities.

“On the scholastic side, we’d like to offer training events that will help promote wellness and work more in the area of preventative care,” she said.

Previously, she served as program manager at Baptist Family and Children’s Services, where she handled similar management responsibilities as well as provided counseling and case management to clients, including agency foster care children.  Cook has also worked for Lutheran Social Services and Catholic Charities.  She has developed programs, provided counseling, and participated in community partnerships.
While in seminary at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, in Fort Worth, Texas, Cook served as a Prevention Specialist for the Fort Worth Independent School District, where she provided counseling, classroom education, and peer mediations. In particular, she worked with students and their parents to prevent disciplinary expulsions.

Prior to that, she supervised social workers and after-school staff at five Title I schools through a non-profit social service agency. In that capacity, she handled the case management and counseling of students in specific clinical need and worked with organizations such as Big Brothers/Big Sisters, YMCA, and United Way to help promote greater community involvement.

Cook is a native of Maryland. She was baptized at Middle River Church as a child.  However, she spent most of her school years as a member with her family at Oak Grove Church in Bel Air, Md. One formative ministry experience was serving as a state Acteen’s panelist.  Her involvement in WMU was central in her calling to study social work and to develop a specialty in church and community ministry.

Cook, received a master of arts degree in church and community ministry from Southwestern Seminary in 2002. She also earned a master of social work degree, with a clinical concentration and specialization in family and children’s services, from the University of Maryland in Baltimore in 1999; and a bachelor of science degree in Social Work from Messiah College, in Grantham, Pa., in 1998.

While at Centrepointe, Cook had been an instructor at Villa Julie College’s Human Services Program, where she taught undergraduate classes, supervised practicums and internships, and coordinated the placement of students into internships.  This opportunity developed key administrative relationships for Cook at numerous social service, faith-based, government, and hospital agencies in the Baltimore-DC area.

Cook has written for Parent Life, a magazine published by LifeWay Christian Resources, and for HelpMeet, a BaptistLIFE feature targeting ministers’ wives. She also has an established speaking ministry, having spoken to many area churches on the topics of family ministry involvement and leadership.

Cook has a heart for families and children in need.  She shares this ministry passion with her husband, Bobby, who is the Associate Pastor for Family Ministry at Redland Church in Rockville, Md.  His responsibilities include children, youth, recreation, and families.  The Cooks have three sons and live in Rockville.

To find out more about CentrePointe Counseling, Inc. or to schedule an appointment, please call (410) 882-1988 or toll free (800) 491-5369; or visit www.centrepointecounseling.org.

We have a daughter in the fourth grade who has always been a good student.  However, recently she has had repeated absences due to “illnesses” that seem to disappear by mid-morning when she stays home from school. We have taken her to the doctor on several occasions, but there seems to be nothing wrong. This is wreaking havoc in our schedules and we are beginning to dread when school is in session.          Perplexed Parent

Dear Perplexed Parent,

Your daughter may be suffering from School Anxiety, a problem that is not a psychiatric disorder, but affects about five percent of school-aged children. Children may refuse to attend school, have temper tantrums in the morning, resist getting ready, or have complaints of headaches, dizziness, and nausea. Since you have ruled out any medical complications and since the symptoms seem to disappear during the day and (I assume) do not appear on weekends, the signs point more to anxiety. Recent changes in the home or stress factors at school such as a bully, a strained teacher relationship, or new levels of academic learning can be contributing factors.

In working through the school anxiety with your daughter, you will want to monitor your own anxiety so that you can express care and concern to her, but not reward the behavior with special privileges or miss the opportunity to patiently help the child connect the fact that when she becomes less nervous, the symptoms go away. If symptoms persist, you may want to discuss the issue with your daughter’s teachers, speak with the school counselor, or find a Christian counselor who specializes in work with children and families.
I would also refer you to an article by Kim Cook on this subject in the October 2008 issue of Parentlife, pages 14-15 (www.lifeway.com/parentlife). I have taken the above comments from her article, which includes many other suggestions as well. Kim is the new Executive Director of Centrepointe Counseling, Inc. and has an expertise in working with children and their families.  She can be reached at (800) 491-5369, ext. 102.

Tom Rodgerson

Dear Counselor:

Two years ago I accepted a volunteer position in my church to lead the youth program. I took the position because our church had a real need to attract younger families with children and because my own children were getting to the age when they needed a good program.

It has been a rough two years in which I have poured by soul into the program with only marginal results and with consistent complaining on the part of parents and church leaders that I am not doing enough. I am feeling burned out with nothing left to give, but I don’t want the program to fail. What should I do?

Dear “Burned Out:”

Burnout in ministry positions (paid or unpaid) is not uncommon and is generally experienced as emotional exhaustion and a feeling of having nothing left to give. Often this is the result of “over-care” when we have given too much. Giving too much can come from “external” forces, such as a church system anxious about its survival that places unrealistic expectations on a program or a person to fix its problems. Giving too much can also come from “internal” forces, such as our own need to be needed, or need to please, or the need to fix something in our own family system. Sometimes there is a “perfect match” between the external forces and internal forces that can bring on symptoms of burnout rather quickly.

We can evaluate if the burnout is the result of our own internal forces by asking questions about our ability to delegate, or to periodically get away from the ministry (like Jesus going up into the hills). If we have to “do it all,” or if we can never physically or mentally leave the ministry behind, or if our mood is dictated by how well a program went, the resulting burnout is perhaps being generated by our own internal needs.

In his book, Let Your Lives Speak, Parker Palmer suggests that we not only look at our internal needs, but also look at whether or not we are truly called to this ministry. He says, “Though usually regarded as the result of trying to give too much, burnout in my experience results from trying to give what I do not possess . . . . Burnout is a state of emptiness . . ., but it does not result from giving all I have: it merely reveals the nothingness from which I was trying to give in the first place. . . . When the gift I give to the other is integral to my own nature (my true calling) . . . it will renew itself – and me – even as I give it away” (p. 49).

Conversations with a mentor, a spiritual director, or a counselor might help you to determine if the burnout you are experiencing is coming from your own internal needs, or if it has something to do with your call to this particular ministry. If you have a handle on your own needs and if you are clearly called to this ministry, then you would want to clearly and kindly invite the complaining parents and church leadership into a discussion about appropriate expectations for this ministry, working to shift the anxiety of the church away from the youth program and back to those responsible for identifying and keeping focus on the church’s vision.

Send your questions by e-mail to trodgerson@bcmd.org.

CentrePointe has offices in the following locations: Cambridge, Catonsville, Columbia, Crofton, Dunkirk, Frederick, Glen Burnie, Hughesville, Lanham, Laurel, Lutherville, Mechanicsville, Middle River, Odenton, Parkville, Rockville, Severn, Silver Spring, Waldorf and Westminster.