BaptistLIFE Online

CentrePointe Counseling, Incorporated has been awarded Full Accreditation for January 2010 to July 2013, The Samaritan Institute, located in Denver, Col., announced today.

“Accreditation is a major accomplishment and demonstrates a Center’s commitment to excellence,” according to the Reverend Dr. Paul Bretz, Vice President of the Institute, which is the headquarters for an international network of Samaritan Centers.

“The accreditation process indicates that Centers offer professional services within a framework of quality organizational, administrative, and financial practices,” Bretz said. CentrePointe Counseling was established in the early 70’s by an independent board representing a cross-section of the community and is supported by 28 congregations.

Other key community supporters of the Center include Arundel Baptist Association, Millersville; Baltimore Baptist Association, Baltimore; Blue Ridge Baptist Association, Boonsboro; Chestnut Ridge Baptist Church, Lutherville; Crossroads Church, Odenton; First Baptist Church, Crofton; Mars Hill Baptist Church, Essex; Montgomery Baptist Association, Gaithersburg; Parkville Baptist Church, Baltimore; Patterson Park Baptist Church, Baltimore; Potomac Baptist Association, Hughesville; and Prince George’s Baptist Association, Lanham.

The Center provides a wide range of outpatient counseling services, including counseling for individuals, couples, and families; educational programs; and consultation for professionals and organizations.

The Samaritan Ministry advocates the concept of interfaith, team-oriented, and cost-efficient counseling, emphasizing the inter-relatedness of mind, body, spirit, and community.

The Executive Director is Kim Cook, MSW, MA, LCSW-C.

The Center is staffed by Marlene Backert, MA, LCPC; Terry Bates, MS, LCPC; Theresa Baxter, LCSW-C, MSW; Richard Beacham, MS, MDiv, LCPC; Lynnda Bird, MS, LCPC; Olga Booth, PhD, LCPC;  Ron Brown, BD, ThM, DMin; Carolyn Buresh, MS; David Burt, MA, MRE; Elizabeth Devilbiss, MA, LCPC;  Elinor Dichshinski, MS, LCPC; Daniel Holler,  MS, LCSW-C; Toni Kelley, MS, LCPC; Dawn Lewis, MS, LGPC; Patsy Mengiste, MA, MBA, LGPC; Julie Pratt, MS, LCPC; Melvin Pride, MS, LCPC; Matthew Reader, MSW, LGSW; Thomas Rodgerson, PhD, LCPC; Daniel Stinchcomb, MRE, MS, LCPC; and Frankie Wright, MA, LCPC.

The Board of Directors includes Mrs. Doris Burch, Dr. Rev. James Dixon, Jr., Mrs. Carole Frank, Ms. Barbara High, Rev. Kevin Holder, Ms. Joan LeFaivre, Mr. Robert Michael, J.D., Dr. Emily Ulmer Michelsen, Rev. Larry Sharrow, Mr. Don Sweeney, CPA, Ms. Barbara Taylor, and Dr. Rev. Nathaniel Thomas, LCSW-C.

Dear Counselor,
My husband and I have been in ministry for five years. While we have had many blessed days in ministry, more recently as we have tried to make some changes, the church just seems toxic and I worry about its impact on our family. How can we learn to survive in such an environment?
—“Learning to Survive”

Dear “Learning to Survive,”
First, let me affirm you for continuing in ministry and for already surviving in a pastorate for a period of time longer than the national average. You are correct that churches can often be healing, but are sometimes toxic. This was an issue I recently addressed in a two-part workshop for ministers’ spouses entitled, “Building an Immune System to the M1N1STR1 Virus.” Let me speak to part one this month regarding the use of prayer.

In ministry, as in life, we are always in the presence of a virus that has the potential to make life toxic. In ministry, as in life, having a healthy immune system is the best way to deal with any viruses. A virus in ministry is any source of stress, conflict, negativity or irritation. Viruses are always present. Viruses only reproduce and take over when there is a “host” cell. With an immune system, viruses are hardly noticed. Prayer is a way of building an immune system.

There are a variety of ways to pray about viruses, whether those “viruses” are conflict situations or have names and faces that we put to them. Imprecatory psalms (e.g., Ps 139:19-22.), prayers for the enemy (e.g., Mt. 5:44), praying in secret in one’s closet (e.g., Mt 6:6) and praying without ceasing (e.g., I Thess. 5:17) are all valid ways of praying about any “virus” in ministry.

However, modern research suggests that certain ways of praying not only build a physical immune system, but also build a way of thinking (the neurons of the brain actually get changed) that alters how we interact with reality and prevents us from becoming a “host cell” to any virus. These deeper forms of prayer help us to develop a life of stillness and move from having a “quiet time” to having a “quiet life.” I will say more about them next time.
—Tom Rodgerson

Send your questions by e-mail to trodgerson@bcmd.org.

CentrePointe has offices in the following locations: Bel Air, Canton, Catonsville, Charles Village, Clarksburg (Germantown), Columbia, Crofton, Dunkirk, Eldersburg, Federal Hill, Frederick, Glen Burnie, Hughesville, Lanham, Laurel, Lutherville, Mechanicsville, Middle River, Odenton, Parkville, Port Deposit, Rockville, Severn, Silver Spring, Waldorf, Westminster. (410) 882-1988 or (800) 491-5369

Dear Counselor:
My husband and I read your article where the pastor’s wife asked about members talking bad about the pastor and how it hurts. Well, what does one do when a pastor and spouse spread untruths about the church members? The pastor was accused of misconduct, which was not true, and was asked to stay as pastor. But, then, the pastor said that he was forced to leave and began to spread untruths about the church, giving our church a bad name and causing some church members to leave with the pastor without ever following the Bible’s solution for conflict.
–An Upset Christian

Dear “Upset,”
You are correct that it would have been helpful in this case to follow the example of Matthew 18 and other Biblical approaches to the resolution of differences prior to the departure of your Pastor and some church members. Conflict of any kind is harmful for the church body and for individual church members as we see in Paul’s letters to the Corinthians. In almost every case, the Bible recommends an initial approach of directness coupled with kindness in the discussion of alleged “untruths” or “misconduct” in the body of believers.

However, it appears that your pastor and church members sympathetic to him have departed. Because of that, the question shifts from what to do about the pastor to what will the church now do. If the church remains focused on the previous pain, then the ex-pastor is still in control of the emotional and spiritual system of the church.

A more healthy option would be to get some assistance in the healing of the pain caused by these recent events in order to free up the energy necessary to create a vision for the future.

Part of that visioning process may involve the study of and the creation of new patterns of communication within the church that would be of a preventive nature. A Transitional Pastor may be of help in this process, which would occur before you begin the process of looking for a new pastor. Mediation services may also help in working through some of the previous pain. The Baptist Convention of Maryland/Delaware can help in directing you to these services at (800) 466-5290.
–Tom Rodgerson

Send your questions by e-mail to trodgerson@bcmd.org.

CentrePointe has offices in Bel Air, Canton, Catonsville, Charles Village, Clarksburg (Germantown), Columbia, Crofton, Dunkirk, Eldersburg, Federal Hill, Frederick, Glen Burnie, Hughesville, Lanham, Laurel, Lutherville, Mechanicsville, Middle River, Odenton, Parkville, Port Deposit, Rockville, Severn, Silver Spring, Waldorf, Westminster. (410) 882-1988 or (800) 491-5369

Dear Counselor:
I get lots of e-mail communication now from my church and even forwarded e-mails from my pastor. How do you handle the situation of e-mail communication? Sometimes I would like to hear a voice.
–Needing a Voice

Dear Needing a Voice:

You raise an important question that brings up the subject of what some are now calling the “Digital Divide.” In the digital divide, there are “digital natives” who are comfortable in doing all of their communication by e-mail, text-messages, social networks and the like. They have grown up with computers and cell phones and their primary form of communication is digital. “Digital immigrants” are on the other side of the digital divide. They grew up with telephones and written forms of communication and are trying to learn this new digital language, but it is like their second language, not their first. It sounds like you would be a digital immigrant who is learning digital communication as a second language. I am also in that category.

Younger pastors and newer church plants communicate almost entirely by digital means today. There are many advantages to the digital form of communication such as the following: it is cost effective; it is “green;” it is fast; it allows for “on-line” discussions and updates; it is a way of reaching new people in social networks.

There are also some potential liabilities of digital communication such as the following: it is a new and powerful way to send gossip; there is a great chance for miscommunication on “hot topics;” people often fail to pause before they hit the “send” button and either send something they wish they had not sent, or send something to the wrong person; there is the impersonal forwarding of meaningless material to everyone in one’s mailbox; there is a greater difficulty of communicating closely and intimately (spoken as a digital immigrant you must remember!).

It is important for churches to take time to discuss what they would consider proper etiquette with church digital communication (what some would call “netiquette”). Digital natives and digital immigrants need to discuss and agree upon church policy. And, since 92 percent of human communication is non-verbal through voice tone, body-language, eye-contact, etc., I would recommend that whether one is a digital native or immigrant to save a special place for personal contact and face-to-face communication.
–Tom Rodgerson

Send your questions by e-mail to trodgerson@bcmd.org.

CentrePointe has offices in the following locations: Bel Air, Canton, Catonsville, Charles Village, Clarksburg (Germantown), Columbia, Crofton, Dunkirk, Eldersburg, Federal Hill, Frederick, Glen Burnie, Hughesville, Lanham, Laurel, Lutherville, Mechanicsville, Middle River, Odenton, Parkville, Port Deposit, Rockville, Severn, Silver Spring, Waldorf, Westminster.(410) 882-1988 or (800) 491-5369

Dear Counselor:
I lost my husband suddenly last spring. We had been married for over 50 years. This time of the year was always a special time of celebration. Not only did we host the family in our home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but also we would celebrate my husband’s birthday in December. I am wondering how I can make it through the holidays.
Feeling Lost

Dear Feeling Lost:
You are correct to anticipate these special events that are coming up soon. Even though you have had some time to grieve the loss of your husband, the first gathering of a family after the loss of a loved one, special days such as birthdays, anniversaries, reunions, and graduations, and especially holiday seasons bring a renewed sense of loss and feelings that can be overwhelming. The important thing is to remember that you have some control over what happens during these times if you choose to take it. The following four “C’s” of coping with the holidays and special days come from suggestions made by Gilchrist Hospice Care:

Communicate your needs. If you can, it would be best to sit down with your family and discuss the holidays ahead of time. What are your needs? What can you not bear to do? What can you not bear not to do? There are some traditions that you may want to keep going out of respect for your husband, but there may be some things that are not emotionally or physically possible now. There also may be some new traditions that you want to create.

Change your routine. Minor or even major changes can sometimes be helpful. Maybe the holiday celebrations need to be in a new location, for example. This could be the start of a new tradition, or it can be viewed as taking a break for a year with the option of renewing long-standing traditions when you have more energy for it.

Cut back on your activities. Grief is physically and mentally fatiguing, and can also cause some disorientation or lack of motivation. Streamlining your activity is important. Be selective with the cards you send and minimize shopping trips by giving gift cards or checks. Set limits on the time you commit to social gatherings and leave early if it does not feel good.

Celebrate the memory of your loved one. Since the word “celebrate” can also mean “to honor,” many people will set aside a special time, or create a special way, of honoring the memory of the one who is no longer there. A special donation, a special picture, or a time set aside to share memories can be valuable ways of giving honor. And remember that it is all right to celebrate and feel good at times. Laughter and enjoyment are important parts of living and can be another way of giving honor to your husband.

Send your questions by e-mail to trodgerson@bcmd.org.

CentrePointe has offices in the following locations: Bel Air, Canton, Catonsville, Charles Village, Clarksburg (Germantown), Columbia, Crofton, Dunkirk, Eldersburg, Federal Hill, Frederick, Glen Burnie, Hughesville, Lanham, Laurel, Lutherville, Mechanicsville, Middle River, Odenton, Parkville, Port Deposit, Rockville, Severn, Silver Spring, Waldorf, Westminster.

Dear Counselor:

I just found out that about 40 years ago I said something that offended a fellow church member that I was unaware of.  I went with our pastor to his home and apologized.  His words were, “I’ll forgive, but I will never forget.”  I feel embarrassed, hurt, and humiliated every time I see him.  How can I deal with myself as a Christian knowing that someone is carrying a grudge against me now, and for all these years?

—A Struggling Christian

Dear Struggling Christian:

Let me affirm you for your desire to grow through this situation, and for doing the right thing by going to apologize in the presence of others. This carries out the spirit of Matt. 18 in attempting to resolve conflict between persons in the body of Christ. In fact, this is the action that your fellow church member would have been wise to follow 40 years ago. Coming to you directly rather than holding a grudge for 40 years would have saved him a lot of internal energy.

If, as you suggest, he is still holding a grudge, then he has offered the technical words of forgiveness, but has not done the work of forgiveness. The work of forgiveness, which actually is his work and not yours, would be to figure out why he has chosen to hold onto the negative memory for so long and how he could take the negative charge off of the event, hence, letting it go.

In your meeting with this fellow Christian, there has been a silent transfer of some of that negative energy to you, manifesting as embarrassment, hurt, and humiliation. To some extent, this event of 40 years ago now has power over you.  Similar to your fellow Christian, it would be wise to ask why you would chose to hold onto this when you have actually done all that you can do to resolve it. Is there forgiveness work on your part that now needs to be done? In your daily conversations with God, would you be able to trust God enough to let God work on the heart of the other person and no longer take responsibility for how your fellow Christian has responded to your apology?

A simple way to practice this would be the following: when you see him, catch your own feelings of embarrassment, hurt, and humiliation; pause for a moment and give those feelings to God; then, ask God to heal the heart of the one who is still holding a grudge.

Tom Rodgerson

Send your questions by e-mail to trodgerson@bcmd.org.

CentrePointe has offices in the following locations: Cambridge, Catonsville, Columbia, Crofton, Dunkirk, Frederick, Glen Burnie, Hughesville, Lanham, Laurel, Lutherville, Mechanicsville, Middle River, Odenton, Parkville, Rockville, Severn, Silver Spring, Waldorf and Westminster.