“Dear Counselor” with CentrePointe Counseling, Inc. : “How do I help a grief stricken spouse make decisions?”

Dear Counselor:

My friend’s husband just died. She is grief-stricken and may consider moving soon. Are there general guidelines about making major decisions after the loss of a spouse?    –“Church Friend”

Dear “Church Friend:”

There are no hard and fast rules about decision making, or about anything, in the grieving process. In his handbook on grieving, J. Shep Jeffreys (2005) points out that there are seven principles of human grief: You cannot fix or cure grief; there is no one right way to grieve; there is no universal timetable for the grief journey; every loss is a multiple loss; change = loss = grief; we grieve old loss while grieving new loss; and we grieve when a loss has occurred or is threatened.

While some would say that it is best not to make a major decision for six months after the death of a loved one, it really depends on many factors. For instance, in the case of someone wanting to quickly move, it may be a physical or financial necessity. Or, the spouse may have been dying over a long period of time and the plan to move has been thought out for years. Or, someone’s grief process may be of shorter or longer duration.

Assessing where the person is in the tasks of mourning would give a better guide to the wisdom of making major decisions. William Worden (2002) says there are four tasks of mourning: To accept the reality of the loss; to work through the pain of grief; to adjust to new environment after loss; to emotionally relocate the deceased or other condition and move on with life. A decision to move could be an avoidance of the working through of the grief, or it could be a part of the moving on with life. Since major change itself can generate feelings of loss and grief, the major change of moving can complicate the grieving process if a person is not ready.  

As a friend who might have a number of significant conversations with this grieving person, you would have a chance to assess how the person is doing in the tasks of mourning. If you sense your friend focusing on a move without the necessary moving on in the grief process, you might suggest that they have a few conversations with their pastor, or a grief counselor, before making that major decision.

Questions may be e-mailed to trodgerson@bcmd.org with the subject line indicating, “Dear Counselor;” or mailed to Dr. Tom Rodgerson, 8203 Harford Road, Parkville, MD 21234. 

CentrePointe has offices in the following locations: Cambridge, Catonsville, Columbia, Crofton, Dunkirk, Frederick, Glen Burnie, Hughesville, Lanham, Laurel, Lutherville, Mechanicsville, Middle River, Odenton, Parkville, Rockville, Severn, Silver Spring, Waldorf and Westminster.